i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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