I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
