I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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