Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
