This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
