It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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