you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You made out with two different species that night
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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