it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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