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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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