How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
