You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
