The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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