My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
