Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
