Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
