His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
