so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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