I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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