She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
