hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.