Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.