i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
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So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.