Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
me + whiskey = a bad person
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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