the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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