Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize
