she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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