who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
