So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
