just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
