i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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