We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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