tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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