Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
