he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
