it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The Olympian is in my bed
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
