I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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