I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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