she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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