wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
