Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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