He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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