Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
