He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When are your genitals available?
Randomize
