Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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