I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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