I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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