that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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