I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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