I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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