I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
