we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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