Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
