I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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