i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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