'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
