My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
