I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
