yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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