Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
