I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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