I accidentally had phone sex last night
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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