I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
