The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????