The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
