I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
