but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
