I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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