you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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