I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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