I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't just leave with hair like that
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
